Yesterday, I was looking at my photos throughout 2010 and indeed, I think I have never looked happier. And most likely, it is because I have never been happier. That's actually kind of funny, considering that I'm far from being self-actualized happy and well, the -ber months have been... one hell of an emotional roller coaster ride. I have to admit, the pain that I felt when the -ber months began was unmatched, especially considering that I only felt hurt because I witnessed someone very important to me get hurt (unknowingly, I would like to believe) by people who also matter a lot to me. Pain mixed with disappointment, anger, sadness... but still, I refused to stop hoping that things would turn out alright in the end. I refused to stop loving rainbows. Perhaps that's one of the reasons why despite everything, I still felt a little happiness inside, and apparently, it showed.
I think I'm also happy because fortunately, my dehumanization as a medical student hasn't started yet. And I'm more than halfway through my third year. I can confidently say that I love being in medical school; that I want to be a doctor; that I did not make a mistake when around three or four years ago, I decided that I would like to try for med school and that grad school and law school would have to take numbers two and three, respectively, in my list of what I want to do after I got my bachelor's degree.
This year, I somehow expanded my social circle. The people who are now my blockmates have been my groupmates since first year but, save for some, they weren't exactly my friends before. I just worked with them and I had no choice because our surnames started with one of the last seven letters of the alphabet. This year however, I got the chance to get to know them as real people. And I realized that they are people that I could count on and yes, they matter enough to me that I don't want to betray their trust or let them down in any way.
I also had many opportunities this year to be with like-minded people. It feels good to know that I am not the only big dreamer left in this world. That I am not the only one crazy enough to always include, as cheesy as this may seem, the country in my dreams and goals. There were times before that I thought that I may sound absurd so it's really heart-warming to know that there are people who share my dreams and are supportive of me and my far-out goals.
I think I also learned this year that some things are to be accepted as they are. No matter how uncomfortably gray they may be. I've learned that there could be security in uncertainty. That there is some sense of comfort in having an open ending. I guess I learned to like uncertainties and open endings because they give me the chance to keep on hoping.
2010 was far from perfect and it could have been much, much better. Still, I'm thankful because it was relatively kind to me. I'd like to see the roadblocks that I've encountered as challenges and learning opportunities that brought me closer to self-actualization. As Nietzsche said: "That which does not kill us makes us stronger." Oh and another thing that I am thankful for in 2010 is that I now feel that I have a deeper, stronger and more personal relationship with the Supreme Power. This is something that I did not expect at all.
So it's now 2011 and this is my first post for the new year. My resolutions? Here they are:
- Have a clean slate. Not squeaky clean; just with some erasures where they should be.
- Stop pretending to be someone else. Read: stop preventing myself from partying. Haha.
- Be a more conscientious student.
- Have better penmanship.
- Hangout with non-Greek and non-med friends more often.
- Always remember that there are as many sides to a story as there are people involved.
- Start everyday with a smile.
- Sometimes let the limbic system take over.
- Learn a new skill. Or hone a previously acquired one.
- Always count my blessings.
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